一直没觉得有什么明显的好转，于是去学校问一下能不能帮我换一位医生看看。本来觉得这应该是个不过分的请求而已，没想到远远没有我想的那么简单。

    先去找Lauren（管理我们医疗保险）谈了我的情况，她说她必须打一些电话来询问一下情况，于是叫我待会去问April（客户服务部），一个小时后我去找April，她说Lauren给她打过电话了，叫我再去跟Lauren谈一下，再次找到Lauren，她说我应该去找Adam.去找Adam（国际学生组的经理），我刚开口说话，他就把头一摆说:"Stop,talk normal."那意思明摆就在说:别装了。我火‘腾’就上来了，我又不是第一次来找他，他也知道我说话还是不怎么好，上次和我一起去医生那的，明明就知道我的情况的。我站那想着：我有必要在你面前装我说话不正常的样子吗，还是说这对我有任何的好处吗？我忍住气，靠近他一点说话继续说明来意。我说我想知道能不能试着换另外一个医生，因为那位医生说我差不多好了，但我没觉得怎么好转，还说需要的是时间，而我不能等那么久，我想赶快重新开始飞，他总给我换着吃止痛类的药我觉得好像没什么用，能不能去看另外一位医生。Adam说不行。我说我不想再继续这么下去了，但是我也实在是没有什么办法，能不能问下另外的医生为什么我还是一直没好。结果Adam说:"Maybe you just don't want to be good."听完这话我开始意识到我真是傻得可以了。

    他觉得这个世界上有我这么个怪人不想自己的病赶快好！我曾经觉得Adam那次叫我来学校适应环境来锻炼我的耳朵和说话应该是为了我着想，于是我照做了，尝试着尽量适应身体的不适每天来学校，两个星期只休息过一天，我不想说也不确定这样对我病的恢复是不是没好处，但至少应该承认我的努力吧！！结果他居然这么说。我这才发现原来我只是自己陶醉在自己很努力然后希望能得到别人理解的泡影里，其实谁理会？！真是傻到家了。我生气却无奈的问:"What do you mean?"他不答，然后说:别人只要2星期，而你现在已经过了这么久了……我当时真想说你自己不是跟我去过医生那吗，医生当着我们说得明明白白我需要大概4个星期恢复的。看来"两个星期就应该康复"已经成了一个既定的事实存在于他脑内了，我发现好多美国人都这样，他们认为是怎么样的事情那么就一定是怎么样的。我也不想知道他是贵人多忘事还是怎么，觉得再说下去也没有用了。他说已经决定了下星期3继续去看那位医生，如果有什么不满的话可以去找Ati.

    Ati好像是这里的Boss，我本来也不抱什么很大希望的，结果没想到他真的是个非常客气和善的好人。听我说完事情的经过以后他的反应令我都吃了一惊，毕竟自从Angela走后就没有人对我这么关心的语气谈过话了。他说他非常能理解我现在的心情，叫我不要太担心，会好的，只是会延长一些时间。他伸出手给我看，说他的手也发生过同样的问题，医生说他的手已经恢复了，但还是感觉到痛，他说医生只能检查外部的恢复的一些情况，但是病人却不能让医生感觉到他还是在疼痛。于是Ati带我再次去找April，April说她给医生打过电话了，医生说可以去给我做什么什么，那几个专业名词我不懂，但我觉得应该是什么检查，因为她说可以检查出手术中我的神经有没有受损什么的，但是非常的贵，而且又要花至少一个月的时间。我觉得保险里面大概不包括这些自愿的检查项目，因为她还说会要我们公司出钱。April说她已经觉得frustrated，从她心底来说觉得我应该回家去做一些康复的治疗，好像还说站在我妈妈的立场什么的，我没听怎么清，因为这时Ati说既然这样那就等去看完医生以后再跟Lauren他们开个会讨论一下。Ati看表说他还要开一个会，然后跟我握手就走了。

    April说：难道你非要100%的恢复以后才行吗。我说不是啊，我只是想赶快差不多好能够飞了就开始继续飞，我不是说要完全好……我一时语塞，因为真的不知道说什么才好，我真想把我现在的病情加在她身上几分钟让她感受一下到底是怎么回事那她可能就不会这么说了。April每次送我去医生那，对我还挺好的，我发现我今天只是想问能不能换另外一位医生看这件事，结果找人办事跑来跑去这种正常的事就不必说了，明知道Adam是那样的人还自己跑去找气受是我自己傻，但是也没办法，毕竟他是这的领导，关键是还把对我挺关心的April搞得有些烦了……越来越觉得好像事情向不好的方向发展了。

    从April的办公室里出来以后我坐在厅内的椅子上呆了好一会，直到April带另外一个学生出去。后来想想，其实大家都忙，谁会那么不厌其烦的去应付麻烦事呢！

    其实不止这样，这个世界上谁会真的那么那么在乎别人的事情呢。有时候觉得其实有家人的嘘寒问暖，有朋友的鼓励和支持就已经很幸福了，想来还是用更宽宏的心胸和平常的心态来看待发生在周围的事情好了，因为不管是生气，难过或者叹息都没有用啊。无论发生什么事情，不管结局如何，只要努力过就好，人总是要勇敢的向前走的，所以我对自己说：Take it easy!

很喜欢这首歌，曾在Grammy颁奖礼上独揽多项大奖的Alicia keys在她的演唱会里说这首歌是她的最爱，百唱不厌。我觉得不论是旋律，填词，还是歌者全情投入的演唱都堪称完美，大概是我一段时间内重复听最多遍的一首歌了。听这首歌的时候我总是会思考:属于我的那个"you"何时才会遇见呢？我属于歌词里的那些"some people"吗？What do I live for?!

some people live for the fortune
some people live just for the fame
some people live for the power yeah
some people live just to play the game
some people think that the physical things
define what's within
i've been there before
but that life's a bore
so full of the superficial

some people want it all
but i don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you baby
if i ain't got you baby
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if i ain't got you

some people search for a fountain
promises forever young
some people need the dozen roses
and that's the only way to prove you love them

and in a world on a silver platter
and wondering what it means
no one to share, no one who truly cares for me

some people want it all
but i don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you baby
if i ain't got you baby
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if i ain't got you

some people want it all
but i don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you baby
if i ain't got you baby
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if i ain't got you

if i ain't got you with me baby
nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
if i ain't got you with me baby

    今天在LRC闲聊的时候说到钱，突然觉得大家的看法还是挺不同的，最后回想一下我觉得好像还是我太理想主义化了，因为Leo反驳我的时候我一时回答不出来，他说：有了钱还有什么人生目标实现不了？！

    如今这个社会，有钱真的是可以办到好多的事，别说如今了，古语不也有云有钱能使鬼推磨吗！可是我还是觉得，有钱不一定活得开心，没钱也不一定不开心。“钱不是万能的，没有钱是万万不能的。”这句话似乎已被世人奉为经典了，但它的侧重点是“没有钱是万万不能的”，于是单把后面半句拆开来说的话就会给人“人生最重要的事情是拼命赚钱”这样的心里暗示。

    当然钱本身并不是什么坏东西，因为当人拿它去行善积德的时候钱简直就是无比圣洁的啊。可是这个世界上又有谁是为了去做善事而拼了命的去赚钱呢？！说来说去像我这种喜欢抬杠的人大概会无止境的找话来反驳自己的，所以还是闭嘴好了。我看我还是坚持自己原来的观点好了：钱，只要够用就好了。可是也有人说：大概永远都不会觉得够的吧。那么还是努力去做个知足长乐的人吧。

    昨天去医生那里复查，Adam（我们的group manager）也陪我一起去了，我不知道他是出于对一个中国学生的关心还是因为不太相信我上次告诉他医生所说的想去亲自确认一下，或者是准备回去后又写什么报告给我们公司，总之我看见他的时候还是保持着微笑的，是福是祸我都保持微笑。

   今天花了些时间用英语写了日记Never Compromise，之所以用英语写是因为我想让每个人都知道，包括当事人，我没有说谎话，我不害怕流言蜚语，我不怕别人中伤我，我只真实的纪录发生的事情。即使没人在乎事实是什么，我只是问心无愧的写下我的日记。于是不管以后发生什么，我都可以骄傲的说我有一颗诚实的心。

    When I was sitting in the Op's building,my roommate(Sam) arrived at an opportune moment.I told him what Adam said,he said"impossible!"Then Nora came.
    My roommate said:"you(Nora) just asked me how was Jude(me),and I said he was getting better,just that."
    "Right."Nora said.
    "So why Adam said that?"I asked.
    "I don't know,maybe there is something wrong."Nora said.

    "And it happened last time."I said"my manager received a report from the academy,it said that I don't want to be a pilot."

    "Did Angela said something?"Nora asked.

    "I asked her and she said adam wrote that report."I answered.

    After we entered ESL lab,Nora asked me did we called Angela.

    I said:"I called her the day before I have the surgery to thank her helped me……"

    "What did she say?"Nora asked.

    "She said she would go back to school and got another degree."

    "Oh,yes,she did say that."Nora said.

    "And she said our Wuhan group was a good group,and she hoped us to be good pilots."I said.I started to think that if Angela was here,maybe she would help me one more time,but this time I just can do it all by myself though I still don't know what's the right way.

    Nora asked me to write down "the reasons why I can't come to school 2hrs per day."and she will give it to Adam.I felt so weird that I have to write down the reasons,'cause I had already talked to them,and they knew.So I said:"I think just one word is enough:complications……"

    "No,no"she said,"write down the reasons 1,2,3,4……"Than she wrote down"My recovery from the surgery will be slowed down if I come to ESL lab."She said:"this is all you have to do today."

    I don't know what's that for,but I have no choice,so I wrote:

 

1. I still have some complications of the surgery.First I can't speak well,I know I don't need to talk too much when I am in the lab,but I think it's a little better to stay in the apartment,because all my classmates know my situation that they don't often talk to me,so I think I can avoid talk and that's good for the recovery.

2. last week the doctor checked my ears,he said my ears are sensitive even I hadn't told him about that.I think that's why I feel so bad,it's so obviously.These days I just stay in my room,I think that's better for me 'cause it's quiet.I think the doctor meant my situation is still normal,but just need more time.

3. I can still just eat soft food and soup.I don't know how to take that to school ,but if just 2 hrs that's fine.What I am thinking is maybe I can stay in my apartment and arrange my time to cook,read books,walk around……and I can look after myself better.

4. I think I can study in my apartment too.I just don't understand why I need to come to school then study.I can study no matter where I am and I don't want to waste my time on the bus.And I don't need to tolerant the noise on my way to school,'cause that's not good for my ears,and I can read my books without noise.

5. I still take the pain medicine.The doctor told me I can take that every 4 or 6 hrs,just when I need.But the medicine has side effects like:nausea,lightheadness,constipation……so I just take it before I go to bed that I can sleep better.But during the day I still feel sleepy and my throat hurts sometimes.

 

PS:I want to know why you said:you heard my roommate said I was lying in my bed all day and never study.That's totally not true,and I asked my roommate,he said he didn't say that.What I hope is you can trust me!I will come back soon if I feel better.

   

    After I gave the paper to Nora,I asked her if she can help me to send this to my manager of my company 'cause I want them to know what's happening truely.But they can just copy it.

    I went to April's office.(customer service coordinater)And told her what happened.She said:"normally people just need 2 weeks to recover from the surgery,so it's a little hard to understand I told them I still felt not good."But what the doctor said was the first 2 weeks should be the worst time,and he said I need 4 weeks the time I went to see him after the 2nd week.April said:"if you want to show people that you badly want to fly……"I said:"You mean I should come here to study to show them I want to fly badly?" 

    Then I understood that April wanted to tell me that other people still don't trust me so much.I noticed that I needed to show them that all people here should know.I decided to prove it and I would come to school though I don't know if I can afford to do that. I asked April to ask the doctor if it's better to stay in the quiet room or try to get used to the noisy place,even though I had already known my ears would suffer the pain.

    I went to tell Nora:"I will come to school everyday and I don't want anybody to say that I don't want to be a pilot."She sent a E-mail to Adam immediately.

    Nora said:"Now you can go back."

    "No,"I said,"I will start to do it today."

    After I stayed there for 2hrs,I went to Adam's office,he was answering a phone call.So I wrote down on a paper:

    I come to say sorry that I was a little angry when I talked to you,I think that's not the right way I should talk to a manager,I apologize.But that's just because I heard you said that my roommate said I was lying in my bed and never study,that's not true.And I hope you can send the paper I wrote to my manager of my company.'cause I want them to know what's happening truly.Thank you.

 

    I missed the bus,and I was so hungry at that time.I don't know if it's worth to do that.I don't afraid to suffer the pain,though I don't know if it's not good for my recovery.The thing is I think I become more brave now,no matter what happen to me,no matter what people said and thought about me,even they say bad things that didn't happen at all,I just do the right thing I thought.I have gained a good experience.I will face the world fearlessly.Never compromise.

   

    Today,I went to the Academy and talked to Adam(Group manager) and Nora(ESL teacher).That's the first time in my life that I wanna scream after Nora and I went out of Adam's office.

      It's the first day of the 4th week after I had the surgery.I still feel not so good.My throat is painful when I swallow,I can't speak normal,the worst part is my ears are very sensitive that I even don't wanna hear somebody talk loud.Last time I tried to do some exercise in the gym,but that night I saw some blood in my spit.Oh,my god!Take the tonsils out,I have never thought about that I would do the surgery when I am training to be a pilot,but it just happened to me.I'm the bad luck guy,so poor.

    I asked Adam to give me more time to recover,though I know it's already 3 weeks after the surgery.But I still think he would allow me to take care of my health for more time 'cause the doctor said I need 4 weeks.I tried my best to tell Adam and Nora what's going on.But Adam want me to come and study at school no matter what I said,and sometimes he didn't let me to finish a whole sentence.

    Adam said:"The doctor did't say you can't go to school."

    I said:"but I don't think that's helpful to my recovery."

    Nora said:you just come and do transcription,study 2hrs per day,you don't need talk.

    I said:I feel uncomfortable to hear the noise,my ears are sensitive.(I don't know if they understand what I mean that my ears are sensitive.My ears are always like nervous and tighten,I feel people speak very loud even they just talk as usual.)

    I think the thing is before the surgery the doctor said I only need 2 weeks to recover,and I told everyone that I can start to fly again 2 weeks after that.But after the surgery the doctor said 4 weeks.I don't know why it happens,everybody tell me that American doctors are profesional and I never doubt.So I guess maybe that's because Tonsillectomy is a little harder to do and need more time to recove if you haven't done that when you were a kid.It already happened,I just don't know……But it seems everybody lost their patience.

    I told Adam:"I think I can study in my apartment……"

    Nora said:"How you study in your apartment?"

    "Read books."I said.

    "That's not the way how you can learn."Nora said.

    "I'm not lazy,I think I can study in my apartment."I said.

    "Nobody said you are lazy."Adam said.

    "you will get weaker and weaker if you don't go outside……"Nora said.

    "No,I walk aroud every morning and evening.And I tried to do some exerice last time,and I saw some blood in my spit,so I……"

    Adam interrupted and said:"Our goal is make you a good pilot."

    "I know,I also want to be a pilot,I just hope you can give me more time to recover,trust me,I will come to school as soon as I feel better."

    After I said that,I suddenly noticed what the conflict is.I think after I get better I can start to study hard again and do a better job in order to be a good pilot.But it seems what they care is make me a pilot,only the goal.

    I know it was a really a long time that I've been sick.But that's not all my fault,I waited a long time before the surgery that the problem got worse and worse,and they said that they were waiting for the phone call from my company. I still remembered the manager of my company told me to ask people in the academy for help,because we have the medical insurance,and the academy will do the insurance thing for me,so I did,but I can't forget Adam said to me:"All you can do is wait,You can't do anything,you can't do anything,you -can't -do -anything."Now after the surgery has been done,it seems that's all my fault……

    I don't know what to say after Adam said "No".

    "I've heard your roommate said you just lying in your bed and never study."Adam said.

    I was angery when I heard that.That's not true.I read books and studyed English though I didn't do that as I was at school before I was sick.I really want to say:Why did my roommates do that!We are good fellows.And my roommates need to go to school by day,how can they know I never study.That's obviously a lie,I trust my roommates.Just like last time they sent a report to my company,it said"I don't want to be a pilot,I gave up the chance to be a doctor because I was timid,and I wanna do a jod about art."Yes ,I said I like music and comic when I had English class before I start to fly,but I said that just because that's the topic of the class,and so what,everybody has hobbies.And I remembered I chatted to Nora once in a icecream party,I said I love music and I hope I can have a band.But that's not mean I don't want to be a pilot. Maybe I am shy guy,but that's not the reason I don't wanna be a doctor,why I just came to USA and then told others that I don't want to be a pilot in an aviation academy.Wasn't that so weird?I'm not an insane person.Now they do this again to me,I felt a little numb.

    Adam said:"I had made the decision.I don't wanna talk to you any more."

    "Could you……"I didn't finish what I want to say.

    "No,just go"

    "Just one sentence……"

    "No,go!"

    I can't describe my feeling when I went out of Adam's office.I can just pray"God,help me,please!"

    传说，只要向「伊莎贝拉」蝴蝶许愿，她便会将愿望带上天堂，令美梦成真。

    scene 1.

    小女孩问：“「伊莎贝拉」蝴蝶能活多久？”

    “三天三夜”老爷爷回答。

    “那可不长！”

    老爷爷顿了顿，说“那就是一只蝴蝶的一生。”

    scene 2.

    老爷爷说：“死亡是人生的一部分，只是不会事先通知你。很多人活得好像自己有个永恒的生命似的，可是从没有人能确定他们是否够时间来实现自己的愿望。”

    小女孩说：“到2050年，人可以活到150岁。”

    “可那个根本改变不了什么。生命总是像一秒钟加上一秒钟，接着再过一秒钟，滴答，滴答，滴答……”

    scene 3.

    小女孩问：“为什么会有富人和穷人？”

    老爷爷回答：“因为‘自由’，‘平等’，‘博爱’听起来不错，可是行不通。”

    “人怎么样才能富有呢？”小女孩接着问。

    “最好就是做自己喜欢做的事情。”

    蝴蝶，它们短暂的一生就像一个个活生生的奇迹一般，从丑陋的毛虫结成茧子，然后蜕变成美丽飞翔的精灵。可是当短暂的奇迹消失以后，还是要迎接死亡。所以，珍惜生命吧，做自己喜欢的事情，向己的梦想进发。

    今天看了《在世界中心呼唤爱》，一个男孩子和白血病的少女青涩恋爱的回忆。看上去老套的剧情，也没有什么名演员，可是那淡然的悲伤随着音乐缓缓的倾泻下来，还是被感动得一塌糊涂。一个花季的女孩，俏丽善良而又敏感，她疑惑爱的永恒，却试着去相信，好像早已经知道结局一般，她把恋爱的记忆录进磁带里做为存在过的证据，直到病情加重她仍对男孩说着一定会好起来的，可是奇迹并没有发生，就像所有悲伤的故事一样，总是把最美好的东西粉碎给人看，所以心痛。

    有时候在想自己的存在真的微小得即使突然消失也不会有什么令人觉得希罕，于是做一些别人不会做的的事情，就像女孩用磁带录下心情的日记。可是可是纪录下来又如何呢，所有的事物终究还是要归于无的。然而即使这样，女孩还是执着的相信着。

    男孩去看望因化疗头发已经全部脱落了的女孩，女孩缓缓的走过去，压抑着悲伤，注视着隔离玻璃外的男孩，好一会儿，她摸着自己的头说：“哎呀，结果……变成这个样子了。”男孩说：“我们结婚吧。”于是眼泪像决堤的潮水一样随着那崩溃的情绪而汹涌……

    女孩最后的愿望终于还是没有实现，她没能和男孩一起到达最想去到的地方，于是最后燃起的期盼的生命也随着那场阻饶他们行程的暴风雨逝去了。

    十多年后，男孩翻出女孩留下的磁带，回味着过去同女孩一起经历的点滴，女孩始终在他心底里，永难忘记。

    直到女孩生前留下的最后那盘磁带终于被找到以后，男孩踏上了他们曾无法到达的“世界的中心”，当男孩闭上双眼，听磁带里传来女孩颤颤的声音，一切变得那么奇妙，好像时空也被转换了般。女孩对长大后的男孩说要追寻自己的幸福，男孩把女孩的骨灰撒在了她生前向往的地方，当风轻轻吹起，女孩对他说“撒哟拉拉”，男孩释怀了。

    我想即使那些曾在乎过自己的人也长眠与地下，就算多年后自己的存在无法再被任何人记起也好，至少自己真正的存在过，即使没有任何证据也好，也曾经那么真切的感受过，这就够了。

    片尾曲是平井坚的《闭上眼睛》，当歌曲慢慢收尾，突然觉得仿佛经历了别人整个的一次人生一样

    今天开始看《我们的存在》，淡淡的感觉，简朴的画风。无意间听男主角说：比起怪罪别人，还是怪罪自己比较轻松吧。怪罪别人的话，觉得对方不讲理所以很难原谅；怪自己的话，觉得无可奈何，也不会生气，很轻松哦。

    刚开始觉得有些诧异，仔细想想还真是。前阵子一直气别人背地里陷害我，具体是谁虽然有些把握，但究竟还是没能弄个水落石出，白白的生气，然而一点儿也没能挽回局面；还是怪自己好了，怪自己太白痴，太随性，不过我就是这个性子，总觉得改了我就不是自己了，所以也怪不得别人。还是怪自己好了，无奈而轻松。人往往是这样：别人的错记得清楚，气愤时还不依不饶；自己错的话，不过多久就忘了，还可以宽慰自己说‘谁没有个错呢’。

    于是今天开始想通吧，轻松。

PS；人都说要有一颗宽容的心，我想，要是连对我不好的人都能包容和原谅的话，那应该是我的进步吧。想着想着便不由得真的轻松多了。

    昨天去复查的时候有些紧张，害怕结果会是要做二期手术。医生初略的询问了我的情况之后说：慢慢的说话就会痛得越来越缓和了，目前还属于正常范围之内，并且说耳朵敏感疼痛这个并发症状没有什么办法，让我再过两个星期看看，并嘱咐我痛的话吃止痛药，如果止痛药还是引起便秘的话就结合用通便的药。

    中午的时候，April带我去一个香港人开的中国餐馆吃中午饭，她看着Menu上一些中文翻译过来的名字问我，我费力的解释了一番以后，她决定给我点不太硬的炒米粉，我们还share了一小碗混沌，April说她很喜欢那个味道。付帐的时候April没告诉我花了多少钱，她说早就说了是她请客了，没关系。我知道美国人的习惯是AA制的，可是她执意要请客，颇有些中国人的味道，她说我在宿舍里待了这么久肯定无聊透了，今天带我来吃些中国味的食物……一时有些感慨，却又说不清究竟在感慨些什么。

    回宿舍的时候心情谈不上沮丧，但是想想接下来将毫无意义的两个星期便有些无奈。继续在清晨被同学的正常作息吵醒，然后闭起眼睛胡思乱想直到最后“碰”的一声门被关上后，又开始下一个不着边际的梦，直到被闹钟吵醒；然后洗漱，喝牛奶，吃软软的蛋糕，喝大量的水，煮粥，睡觉，吃软软的豆腐和酸奶，在屋子外面漫无目的的晃悠一圈，胡乱的看一些电影；然后夜幕又降临了，等一切又归于安静，耳朵不那么紧绷以后，吃药，洗澡，然后又沉沉的睡去……

    洗漱的时候偶尔会呆呆的看着眼睛里的血丝，直到脚有些麻木才回过神来；有时会看着从电水壶里翻腾而出的水蒸气发呆，甚至忘记拔掉电源，只看着蒸腾的水汽向上升啊升……黄昏去湖边看那水波起伏荡漾朝岸奔流，突然会觉得像我自己，似乎在努力的追赶着什么，却始终一直也停留在原地……直到看得到星星的傍晚，任凭风吹过草地时发出的那“嗖嗖”声音带我去想像中一个个奇幻的旅程，幻想着来世今生的故事被呼啸而过的汽笛声打断时，我才意识到耳朵会一跳一跳的痛起来，烦闷得想张大嘴巴想大喊一嗓子，却发觉嘴还没张到最大喉咙就好痛了，悻悻的回到宿舍，倒在床上，发一个无休无止的呆